tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10118843188590049762024-03-05T01:43:08.258-05:00Kilometer HolsterSaying he'll be right back since 1984.Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-44302064926693631182012-09-02T18:37:00.001-04:002012-09-02T18:37:52.883-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-76816861930551831762009-08-26T21:39:00.009-04:002009-08-26T22:19:12.885-04:00When talking about Phils' relief, gimme some Rolaids!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicm2qIUB5E8pRmnTpOYNGXQMLL8C-etH4isi_4fkGjykZHJGQ2OGUcvB9atDGQYiaWWiKVPTgUNAClNycJjE4qXQApvMtbwnYUQTPNHpPDiD8wm0uLdty2AiuKhl5eSWwKlTeF_Y0RDm8/s1600-h/pierreescargot.png"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicm2qIUB5E8pRmnTpOYNGXQMLL8C-etH4isi_4fkGjykZHJGQ2OGUcvB9atDGQYiaWWiKVPTgUNAClNycJjE4qXQApvMtbwnYUQTPNHpPDiD8wm0uLdty2AiuKhl5eSWwKlTeF_Y0RDm8/s200/pierreescargot.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374462252123192882" /></a> Phils fans are now screaming for Jose Mesa, now that Ryan Madson pulled a Brad Lidge and went all Adam Eaton up in Pittsburgh's face. Of course it's not entirely Lidge's fault that Philadelphia can't close the deal. As we speak Chase Utley made a sacrifice fly and Rollins stayed at third. Maybe that's playing it safe, but how safe are we when the Phillies have a realistic chance of dropping the first two games to the Pirates? Ryan "Pierre Escargot" Howard just hit a long one to give us a three-run cushion in the tenth. And yet I'm still clutching my chest.<br /><br /> Philly keeps on finding ways to win and lose spectacularly. Take Sunday, when Bruntlett was a force to be reckoned with at bat, had a triple robbed of him by Jeff Francouer, almost gave the game away and made the non-perfect game Play of the Year. Now what was I talking about? I was mesmerized just now by Meat Loaf pouring a giant bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce and serenading his small "m" meatloaf with "I'll Do Anything For Love." It's that kind of night, and needless to say my stomach is turning.<br /><br /> But anyway, these spectacular plays hide the team's major fault: not being able to make the small plays that seal the deal. Poor fielding leads to tighter save situations that for one reason or another Brad Lidge can no longer deal with (though he'll probably be back to 2008 form at least once more in his career). And with a subpar relief corps Cole Hamels (whose 8 shutout innings were wiped away with the swing of Brandon Moss' bat) cannot be pleased.<br /><br /> But all is well in the Delaware Valley, for Ryan Howard hit a ball long enough for a $2000 hoagie. Who knows, maybe we'll win tomorrow and take two out of three against the gang from "Major League".Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-32696354525250182112009-08-21T04:10:00.005-04:002009-08-21T04:41:06.035-04:00A short promo for Auction House movie night<OBJECT class=BLOG_video_class id=BLOG_video-1214aeb70bb780c8 height=266 width=320 contentId="1214aeb70bb780c8"></OBJECT>Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-14930884456925616582009-03-23T14:29:00.002-04:002009-07-20T20:24:40.899-04:00Are these things still popular?Man, I should've been ablogging all along. Maybe I could've been a half-somebody, instead of a quarter-somebody. I could've had class I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER!!! AND BY CONTENDER I MEAN A SYMBOLIC APOLOGIST FOR SQUEALING ON COMMUNISTS!!!<br /><br />In all seriousness, in spite of not being able to access my Adsense account at all, I think I might start to ablog soon. See you then, again, again.Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-18126428908099362572008-02-06T13:23:00.000-05:002008-02-06T13:57:45.897-05:00Super Bowl XLII, Patriots 0<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3JNn5snrCORTFkFzf_WkWdi52pVJ41N6q2GzxvxhY9fpntH3Je-qaHQ0mMLLHkIeEjE9tt7VahgzEENzfsz9fH8oaEUtkesMN9abDJBBHmY44Ma9LETm4e5umsMTvxfDgQgBtFpz7W68/s1600-h/eli.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3JNn5snrCORTFkFzf_WkWdi52pVJ41N6q2GzxvxhY9fpntH3Je-qaHQ0mMLLHkIeEjE9tt7VahgzEENzfsz9fH8oaEUtkesMN9abDJBBHmY44Ma9LETm4e5umsMTvxfDgQgBtFpz7W68/s200/eli.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5163943349611589394" /></a><br />Super Bowl XLII was without a doubt one of the greatest Super Bowls I have ever seen. Then again, I was born between XVIII and XIX, didn’t start watching until XXIV, went to bed before XXV, had homework for XXVI and XXVII, and was blind until shortly before Super Bowl XXXIX. I then spent the next two years in a monastery.<br />To completely contradict my lead, I watched most Super Bowls for the commercials, and went to the bathroom during the game. This year, I watched both halves, and took a monster dump during Tom Petty’s halftime show. During the rest of the game, my john was singing, “I Won’t Back Down.”<br /><br />While my good friend Drew Bernier is apologizing for giving the New York Football Giants of Anaheim no chance against the New England Patriots, I will write of the real Upset of the Century, that being my five dollar bet with Frenchy that the Gints would beat the Pats outright. <br /><br />The Giants were only twelve point underdogs against the Patriots (or as I call them, the TAPE-riots!!!) However, Joe Willie Namath didn’t have to defeat the evil Bill Bellichick, six hundred and sixty-sixth son of Satan himself, and Thomas Marcia Brady. Eli Manning was not even the biggest quarterback in New York (Jared Lorenzen represent)!<br /><br />However, the Patriots had all of this hype distracting them from the game, while the Giants used the game to distract them from the hype. So few people picked the Giants to do anything but lose a close one. If I were to lose, so what? If the Giants were to eke it out, however, I knew I had something to gloat about.<br /><br /> It’s a damned shame, however, that I couldn’t use it to buy fifty microseconds of Super Bowl ad time. I had so much to say, and unlike Salesgenie.com, most of my commerical ideas could hardly be construed as racist.<br /><br />Their first ad, featuring a harried Indian man putting the fate of his seven children in the hands of a white genie, was not even the least comfortable ad they had. I can’t even begin to describe the craziness of the panda bear ad. First off, how can the two panda bears who own the bamboo shop have an Engrish accent, while the genie speaks “correctly”? If the pandas are supposed to represent Asian stereotypes, what people were represented by the grizzly bears at the zoo that were mentioned offhandedly? This is the “Springtime for Hitler” of commercials; one that is so blatantly inappropriate, that you continue to speak about it for days.<br /><br />As for the Planters cashew ad, where the hag gets all the men by making herself smell like nuts, I have to tell you a dark little secret. I have tried to pick up men that way, and half of them had to go to the hospital for allergies.<br /><br />If you going to use a foodstuff to attract something, don’t use Doritos unless you want to reenact that weird-ass scene from The Shining where the one guy is getting kinky with someone in a bear costume. Some may question this logic, because the sicko in the ad used a mouse costume, but after that Salesgenie.com ad, you’ll be too guilt ridden to try it with a bear.<br /><br />Audi used another classic movie, The Godfather, to freak out people. <a href="http://flakmag.com/sports/bowl42/break01.html">At least one blogger</a> hoped the guy crapped his pants before realizing it was only motor oil. Later in the evening, I was kind of hoping retroactively that the horse Shaq rode in on in that Vitamin Water ad would be on “Old Luxury’s” bead, rather than a Rolls Royce grille.<br /><br />Speaking of drinkable Chanel No. 5, Sobe’s ad, where lizards danced as if they were in the “Thriller” video, was anything but “thrilling”. However, that was nowhere near as confusing as the ad for the Disney film Wall-E, where I think he was trying to have sex with the vacuum cleaner.<br /><br />The best ads of the night had to be the FedEx spot, where big-ass pigeons were dropping figurative crap on the streets, and the Coke ad, where the Stewie Griffin and Underdog balloons battle for the overinflated capitalist icon.<br /><br />Wait ‘til next year, thought, where MY Super Bowl ad will be on. Two words: giant apes humping luggage.Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-40307923443469131932008-01-05T14:41:00.001-05:002008-01-05T14:43:20.941-05:00NFL Wild Card Picks (and oh yeah, Happy New Year)Redskins over Seahawks; Chargers over Titans; Buccaneers over Giants; Jacksonville over Pittsburgh.<br /><br />Good, that's my blogging for the week.Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-55017490483677375342007-12-19T18:41:00.000-05:002007-12-19T18:44:21.378-05:00A Quick Happy Holidays<a href="http://memory.loc.gov/service/pnp/cph/3c00000/3c00000/3c00200/3c00241v.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://memory.loc.gov/service/pnp/cph/3c00000/3c00000/3c00200/3c00241v.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I meant what I said. See you in 2K8!Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-91123209819290512242007-12-14T16:41:00.000-05:002007-12-14T17:19:13.772-05:00Mischievious Mitchell<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/57/GeorgeJMitchellPortrait.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/57/GeorgeJMitchellPortrait.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Obviously the Mitchell Report (the baseball one) came out yesterday. My sister kept trying to change the channel so she could watch America's Most Love New York Of Love on VH1, but I finally gained control in time to see the former Senate Majority Leader do his opening monologue. I spent twenty years rooting for some of these players; I didn't want to wait another twenty minutes to see their reputations soiled forever.<br /><br />Here's a few observations on the matter:<br /><br />1. Lenny Dykstra is the only good Phillie ever to use steroids. I was not alive during the Phillies' glory days of the Carter Administration (aka The Amphetamine Era), but I am old enough to have heard of the real turds the Phillies had before or after or if they took the juice: Paul Byrd, Jeremy Giambi, Ryan Franklin, Bobby Estalella, Jason Grimsely, etc.<br /><br />2. My dad feels sorry for Todd Pratt. Pratty's another of the ex-Phillies on the Mitchell list, and I was kinda sad about it. I remember him as a youngin' on the god-awful '92 squad, as the serviciable non-Piazza catcher on the late 90's Mets (wink, wink), and as a father figure on the Bowa era Phils. Perhaps the most memorable quote of the day came from my dad, about the Prattster: "He needed them."<br /><br />3. ESPN so owned the truth yesterday. While I was watching off and on, I heard no comment by John Kruk (who like Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer) about his former teammate, Nails. Also, while connections were disclosed between Mitchell and the Boston Red Sox, nobody talked about Mitchell's tenure as Chairman of Disney, who owns ESPN. I think I remember at least one blog (probably Deadspin) writing about it months ago, but I haven't heard of anything from that front lately.<br /><br />4. New idea for a Roger Clemens cell phone ad:<br /><br />GEORGE J. MITCHELL: Okay, if you have ever taken any anabolic steroids, give me no sign.<br /><br />Cue Roger yelling at the phone without any noise coming out of his massive, rippling mouth.<br /><br />MITCHELL: Well, I warned you.<br /><br />The Mitchell Report: Works in more places like Bostoronewyoustonyork.Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1011884318859004976.post-7304526427311962922007-12-12T17:18:00.000-05:002007-12-12T17:34:01.371-05:00The Return of Tom "The Roll" Keiser<a href="http://www.nps.gov/history/history/online_books/mimi/images/fig75.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.nps.gov/history/history/online_books/mimi/images/fig75.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This is not the end of The Tommunist Manifesto, yet. However, this is the beginning of something that kicks a lot more ass. For instance, I will actually write a bit more (cross your legs), especially about the real issues (Why can't I get a waterboard for my nephew this Christmas?). Then again, I will probably write even less. Fortunately, a rift in the space-time continuum will allow me to relive and (unlike that danged "Timequake") BETTER my life. See you in 1989!Tom Keiserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17234022512509189516noreply@blogger.com0